January 31st, 2024
We have officially made it through our first month of 2024… and so far, these newly crowned (again) empty nesters are doing OK!!
The beginning of January got me binge watching ‘how to get organized’ videos on YouTube… (anyone else guilty of this??🙋♀️)
That then led me to researching bullet journals, and of course all the things to make the said bullet journals pretty… only to fill everything out in pencil anyway.
As I sit down each morning to fill in my best attempts at a to-do list, I giggle and remember a pet name Amy and I used to call planners… our ‘Book of Broken Promises’.
Times like this I can literally see her cackling at me from the great beyond saying “good luck with that San.”
So it gives me great pleasure to keep up with my book(s) of broken promises (yes, I started one for the sheep barn too) purely as a source of entertainment for her… at my expense.
We took that first week of January slow as Jess started preparing to fly the coop once again…. and although I didn't know it at the time, the days leading up to her leaving, my body was revolting the thought.
I didn't know I was off mentally until closer to the day when I finally clued in that I had felt ‘off’ for the majority of the week.
Then I remembered all the times I had felt like this previously…. it's always been the week leading up to the anniversary of losing Amy.
Without fail, my body feels not like mine during that time… like it's trying to get me to slow down and listen to it.
So maybe, knowing Jess was leaving triggered something in my subconscious that looks a lot like grief.
It's the weirdest thing too… I dreamt of this day all summer, when she would be healthy and strong enough to get back to her life.
So why the visceral reaction?
Not sure, and I'm definitely not qualified to speak to it, but I do know one can grieve many things and situations in life… and I guess maybe for a minute or two that first week of January, I grieved Jess leaving.
But she did leave, and you know what… we survived.
Mark and I easily slipped back to our quiet moments together.
I will wait until he's up, so we can eat breakfast together which didn't happen much before, as I got too hangry and refused to wait for him to eat.
Lunch and supper are much the same and have become sort of a sacred time of just catching up and enjoying each other's company in this more quiet time of the year.
Something I am trying not to undervalue as I know once spring is here, these moments evaporate.
The slower pace has somehow trickled into our work, and I've been able to just knock out jobs slow and steady, that I've always felt rushed to get done somehow.
I stole Mark for a week before our big deep freeze and FINALLY got a head of my biggest winter nightmare… frozen water lines.
And although it was a dirty 9ish days, that prep saved us so much time and energy when dealing with these temps.
We got out on our dusty sleds (tell me again why we own these things??) for a whopping 2 days before losing all our snow again, and now we are dealing with flooding.
On the farm, and in poor Jack's basement.
And the weird thing is, we've just taken the hits in stride. On another year, I would be stressed and running around with my head chopped off… so why does it feel so different now?
Again, not an expert… but wondering when you go through a year like our family did last year, you can finally see life a little clearer maybe.
Like, these things are small. Annoying, frustrating… but manageable (and dare I say even preventable sometimes?)
So although I would NEVER want to relive 2023 EVER again…
I think without having gone through it, the small things would always seem big and insurmountable in my tiny little brain.
A few other fun recaps of the month…
Jess and I went down to visit our buddy Laurel for her podcast Chorebeer Chats, where she interviewed us (mostly Jess) about her cancer journey… and I know I'm biased, but she was amazing.
Mark and I once again got together with our peer group and visited a local family business who specializes in sprouted grains!
Their story has stuck with me even now, a couple weeks later… which reminds me, I need to pre-order my bread for this week. lol.
We also got to reconnect with a couple dear friends who live quite a distance from us, but they've joined our peer group too, so we were able to have a wonderful 15 year catch up!
And as for life outside the barn, I finished my first TWO solo mission puzzles (yay me!) and finished 7 books!
Wow, all info NO ONE asked for… lol.
I hate to inform you, this newsletter has now become my monthly diary and you get my random thoughts and memories.
Thankfully for you, dear reader…
my memory is trash, so this long winded post can end here.❤️